I Can Wait Forever.

 Wait, scratch that. 

I'm done waiting forever. Forever doesn't exist to me anymore. I'm done giving in all the time whenever you expect me to bear with you. Look, I'm sorry. I just can't take this shit anymore, alright? You've caused me perhaps a little too much pain. Every night I lay in bed tearing up, thinking about all of those moments we had. You don't deserve me; I don't deserve you either. I give you so much of shit that you can barely handle as you've got shit of your own. You need someone who's willing to put up with your shit.

I was fine for the first few months, but then everything drastically changed. Since then, I just closed an eye, pretending it was nothing. But as more months went by, I couldn't take it anymore and I had to end it with you. At that time, it all seemed so brutal and wrong. I regretted heaps for ending it and so we got back together a few days later. 

Do not regret what you've done, because it was exactly what you wanted at that time.

I do not regret what I've done. I just regret what I could've done but didn't. I could've make us work, but I just didn't work hard enough. Wait, what am I saying? Didn't I already work hard enough to try and make us work? Clearly all my hard work was for nothing. Scratch that bullshit. I didn't work hard enough. I could've, but I didn't. Damn it. What the hell was wrong with me, you may ask? Well, clearly I have no idea. Can I just blame it all on love? Love does, after all, put you through a whole shitload.

I keep asking myself, "What did I ever do to get involved with guys that don't treat me properly? A friend of mine said it's all life's challenges. Well, I have a different opinion. I'd say that it's my stubbornness and stupidity. I also tend to forget how bad the pain can be sometimes. This saying is absolutely true:-

It takes one f*cked up guy to make every girl think that all guys are exactly like that.

True that, but deep down (I'm pretty sure everyone else knows this) that there's some guys, somewhere out there, who aren't jerks. I hope I'll find one of those guys someday. I know all of this sounds so cliche, but yeah, I really want to find someone who will treat me right someday.

Lydia